What I feel ? of course I am pretty Exhausted. close to burn out
this thing happened because there are release deadline that need to be catched up on my 2 jobs. yes I am maintaining 2 jobs. it goes friendly and all before. but sometimes when you are enjoying life, life will throws at you and suddenly all the jobs you maintain getting major deadlines
It's something that I am relieved I can pulling it off, but it's not something I want to do again.
In one of the interview Elon Musk said about how much hour does he work each week. he says it's about 100. and he continued, if it goes above 80 hour, the pain grow exponentially after trying it for myself I can confirm that yes, it's so true.
I've been able to manage two job for a month before. it feels Like I am able to do it just fine. I ace the deadline of both. Of course I wont get the best-employee predicate in both of the job I am working on because of my circumstances. What I do is basically just put expected effort on both and not really do something exceptional. I want to write about what goes right and what goes wrong in this writting.
What Goes Right
To be able to pull it off I feel like I need motivation. and it should not be about money. because when you do something because of directly about the money yo would feel it's ok to not having that much money. I myself have my reasons that I am not yet comfortable to write here. But I do have reason
when putting all-nighters you may want to just eat any food, but you can't. In this try at week 1 and week 2 I try to control my food, I do eat a lot of fruits and not consuming too much sugar. my coffee get completely sugar free. on my third week because of something I'll tell you about later, my food intake get sidetracked and unncontrolled.
Whatever happened try to at least sleep. even if just 3 to 4 hour a day. sleep every single day. don't try to skip it.
What's goes wrong is only 1: CONTROL
this is so critical. this is what make this almost impossible. You can't control anything in this life.
Do you know what went wrong and resulting in me getting burnout ? it was because of blackout in my city in about 2 days. yes 2 days of blackout is what it takes to make almost everything goes sideway !
Maybe I am not good on planning. Yea that's right. I am a pretty bad planner but pretty good improviser.
But let's be honest. even if you are a very very good planner, would you have backup plan for something like having 2 days blackout ?
We can't control anything man, just can't.
The results: getting burned out.
you know what's funny ?
Having that 2 days make the deadlines got stacks. without getting any extended time. I should feel pressured and productive and all. but I don't. when the deadlines goes stacks it somehow make me unproductive, I can't work calmly. and it make me work slower and I feel bad. I even sometime procrastinate, something that I not do on my weeks 1 and 2.
I feel bad about letting people down, I feel bad about not pulling my best work out.
And that's what stressed me out
from the beginning I am not motivated about money, I really not care that much. but I want whatever I put into my code is my best possible solution. and I am feeling I don't have time for that
I am currently feel burned out. my mouth feel bitter.
I do still need to work. and I will.
and I can push myself because of my motivation. without it I don't know.
But still, it seems I wont maintain this kind of work through my life.
It's not that I feel I can't go through it. it's because I don't want to. I want to have time to build great things that needed more than just putting what I am expected to do. And it's of course needed more than just 40hr/week.
I know money from overtime (if i get it) won't compare to maintaining 2 jobs. but having to see my craft isn't the best of me is the pain I can't endure for a long time period.
I write this on 05.00 in the morning in the hope I can feel better. but my mouth still taste bitter.