have you ever feel a sense of emptiness ? Like you get all what you've got to be happy by society standard's but it still feel empty.
I don't know if I am lucky or even unlucky. But I am too sensitive and always overthink about myself. I get to know what I want to be in life yet apparently it's not as simple as I imagine.
You know, I've been coded and doing website since high school. I am really happy back then. I made things that I needs and that I love. even though it's not good I feel a sense of happiness.
Now, I create something that look considerably good, with way better architecture, yet I am not as happy as back then.
I consider myself starting professional career at around 2016 when I got a job at local startup. it's been my third year now. I start with pay check that way below regional minimum pay in my region back then, and goes up until a point where I am now. you know, as my pay check goes up my happiness seems to goes down.
I always thinking the meaning of life. I can't be just accidentally thrown out to this world. my life got to have a meaning. and I've always search for it even since my high school.
And I always think money is not the answer. I think money can make your life comfortable but doesn't necessarily make you happier. Mankind history is more rich than money and economic system's history. that's mean we are not going to this world for money. sometime money is merely a tool to achieve the purpose.
I remember the first time I got pay check above what I need for my life to be comfortable. I think it's when it have range around 7 million rupiah. The first thing I think isn't about buying things. it's goes like. "What ??? There is no way all of these are my money". I know for some people that number isn't that much. more over when comparing to silicon valley's engineer, lol. but At that time I live in Jogja and that ammount feel so much.
But in sense there are times when I only have 500 thousand rupiah for eat for a whole month (Because I use the rest of my monthly allowance for buying books). that sum is way beyond I need. believe me, I can live by just drink milk and eat gorengan at the end of the month and there are a good old days where I need to collect my banks of recehan to eat (and smoke, but I stop now).
Oh yea, I am actually come from middle class family and I consider myself lucky. Why I live that way is because I usually spent a little too much on books during early of the month and also ask my parents to stop funding me after I dropped of out college because I want to live my live my way. I remember one of Pramoedya's quote in Earth of Mankind (Bumi Manusia)
Berbahagialah dia yang makan dari keringatnya sendiri, bersuka karena usahanya sendiri dan maju karena pengalamannya sendiri. - Nyai Ontosoroh, Bumi Manusia
(Be happy for those who eat from their own struggle (sweat), happy because of their own labor, and grow because of their own experience)
So what i've done by the time I am having a good career is to save it to build a business. It's a Coffee Shop and Co-working Space that located in Yogyakarta.
Why business ? because I think business is where money should go. business is the way to equal the opportunity. I mean, by starting a coffee shop business it's not just about my business anymore. The money goes in circle to those who I bought the ingredient, coffee bean, etc. Also to the country by paying for electricity bill. to the furniture workshops. Based on the intention, building business can help so much people even the purpose of your business is profit oriented and not a social oriented.
Am I having the entrepreneurship mindset ? No. I don't like corporate and running a business. And in a way I still think entrepreneurship is overrated. If all people run a business, who will be the experienced worker to execute t ? who will be researching for further innovation ?
Too much entrepreneur without much academic people and skilled worker won't make my country better. it will make it importing invention from other country and even importing skilled worker !
In that mindset I am still want to improve my skill and be a skilled worker for foreseeable future.
I am currently delegate my business to my friend, and I think that's still possible and you should try. we currently have the technology and communication technology needed to own a business and delegate it to those who we trust.
But still, there are still there are still things that make me feel meaningless.
My initial mindset is that I will own a business then search for money by working so many hour at other people business, not only I am doing a full time job but I am also doing other freelance project.
Past two month until last month I am working 80-120 hour a week ! I feel I can maintain it. I've never felt so wrong. I think if Elon Musk can do it, I can do it too. but seems it's not that simple. The stress of working freelance projects or "working on other people's dream" is difference of the stress of working on your own startup or hustle. It's hard to get a sense of mission when you work for other people. and a sense of mission is really important to be able to maintain that kind of work time.
By maintaining that kind of work hour I am losing things that are important to me, for example learning, and sharing. I feel like I don't have time to learn and do my own project, it's irritating. I also almost don't have time to write a blog post. and other important thing for me as human being.
The effect is I am getting too tired for two weeks and also it depleting my motivation a lot. it's hard to get motivated again. to rise again. but I know I can be in this state forever, there is something I got to do.
But still, this post isn't about me stopping work for other people. because I think working in scaled company and doing complex thing is what make me grow as a skilled worker. the experience is matter. But what I think as for now is to release some of my freelance hustle. maybe after finishing some of this freelance work I'll not accepting freelance work anymore.
What I might be doing for later this year is I want to only maintain one full time job. but still I might need a source of income to be forwarded to my business. I might try to generate income by creating a course (so that it feels my purpose of sharing too) or starting a youtube channel maybe. I am thinking of online hustle and actually want to try to generate income by doing what I love and I got to choose what I want to build.
That's all I got to say for now, maybe I'll update this writing later and tell you the effect of doing so.
Thank you if read this much, have a nice day.